Competition is rife as the main contenders are basically the entire population of Walford. Occasionally, there has been a runaway winner – when Ian Beale became a tramp for example, or whenever Tanya’s sister Rainie turns up. Then the others don’t even bovver.
Then there was the time Ben Mitchell changed heads, transforming from a cute version of The Milky Bar Kid into someone so unpleasant he made Phil look cuddly. Ben’s life was ruined when he had to tell Phil that he liked musicals more than boxing, and then murdered ‘’Ev’’.
Much to the amazement of Abi (centre), Lauren (right) tells Kirsty (left) that SHE is the most miserable girl in Walford
Kirsty spent the week moping and moaning, as she has done since she got the one thing she (supposedly) wanted most in the ‘weld’, taking Max back off Tan’.
Kirsty might have her detractors (not to mention alarmingly large lips and only one pair of earrings) but you might think she would have a few better options than she has currently. She’s working in The Vic, is married to Max, and been living in Kim’s B&B – all things that suggest you’ve hit the skids.
Kirsty's main problem is that she has told Max that she is pregnant when she ain't
This week she even had a panic attack, although she might have been faking to avoid a scan, in which case she is actually a better actress than most of the cast.
Kirsty can usually be found hanging around in the caff with the weight of the world and her gigantic earrings dragging her down. She reached a new low when even Billy Mitchell told Max she looked miserable.
Kirsty is tormented about this, but not enough to just tell Max the troof like any normal person would
‘There’s nothing wrong with the bay-bay is there ?' ‘Oh you’d love that wouldn’t you ?’ Kirsty snarled, before accepting that, to be fair, not even Tanya would want a bay-bay to die.
‘You know, whatever else I say about Max, he is a really, really good dad,’ Tanya tried to reassure her – even though this was totally untrue. Every time she’s about to tell Max that she’s been lying about the pregnancy, Max launches, uncharacteristically, into a speech.
Slightly improbably no-one has asked Lauren out since she broke up with Joey. Then again she is a raving alcoholic
‘I wanted everything to be so perfect. Now it never will be,’ Kirsty remarked gravely to herself, a line you could imagine virtually any female character in the history of EastEnders saying – except Kirsty, who went beyond such soppy sentiment when she was about 14.
Other movers on the Misery front were Alice – ostensibly the nicest, brightest character in the show, and her creepy cupboard of stolen goods (gravy, toilet brush etc) and Kim who decided not to move to the apparently posh environs of Woodford with Ray who took the traditional cab ride to obscurity alone.
‘I hear him laugh and all of a sudden I’m in some squat in Croydon,’ she confessed, as if this explained everything. ‘Every time I hear his laugh...’ ‘You forget what he did to you ?!’ Cora interrupted, pointing out the ridiculousness of the plot.
Among the more boring storylines padding the week out were Dot’s anxiety about becoming churchwarden and her make over. ‘Style is what wins hearts...No-one cares what comes out of David Cameron’s mouth as long as he looks good.’
Abi (left) enjoys a rare loving moment with her sister Lauren when she is sober
Lola’s social worker topped this by uttering the immortal line: ‘Lola, have you ever heard the expression ‘it takes a whole village to raise a child ?’ Only if it was on The Jeremy Kyle Show...
‘It’s an old African proverb.’
No wonder Lola looked somewhere between blank, although this is her usual expression. Eventually, the writers moved on, accepting that Lauren is not only the most realistic character in the series but the best-looking and concentrating on her.
Lucy makes a drunken pass at Joey before remembering he's her cousin. And then remembering it doesn't make any difference
‘If Lauren’s going to get wasted, she’s going to find a way,’ Denise pointed out. Even Lauren seemed aware of this. ‘This ain’t the only place you can get a drink !’ she complained when Kirsty refused to sell her a drink.
That said, she spent most of the week going back and forward between them, confirming there are no other supermarkets, pubs or shops for miles around. With no money to buy alcohol, she gate-crashed Kim’s party and fell in Kim’s cake. ‘I’m so sorry,’ cried Tan’. ‘I’ll pay for any damage.’ (It’s a CAKE.)
Billy (left) senses it's not going well as Lola's social worker (right) tests Lola's knowledge of African proverbs
‘So do you ! Sometimes. Well, you are trying,’ Abi encouraged her. (None of the above.) Things went horribly wrong though when Lauren realised that Cora and her mum were comparing her to Rainie – which is a pretty horrible thing to say about anyone even if it is true.
When Lucy taunted her about her drinking and the fact that she was a novelty for Joey – ‘not being related’, Lauren promptly floored her with an impressive right ‘ander. She then armed herself with something from a table.
Other movers on the Misery front were Alice - ostensibly the nicest, brightest character in the show
At the police station, Abi, Max and Kirsty all did the obvious thing and blamed Tanya for the state Lauren was in. ‘Are YOU giving ME parenting advice ?!!’ Tanya cried to Kirsty. ‘Why are you even here!’ Two good points, well made.
When Lucy dropped the charges, Lauren received a caution and a big family ‘ug from everyone except Kirsty, who was, pointedly, left out. By the way Tanya smiled it was almost as if she had let Lauren go off the rails knowing that Max would have to come back to sort it.
Whether Tanya would stoop so low or was that clever is debatable. Lauren of course is still single and an alcoholic. On the plus side, having seen the way she knocked out Lucy, Audley Harrison’s promoters want to book her for his next fight.
